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I've been watching all of the Highlander TV show over on hulu. For those that don't know and are fans... um... it's all over on hulu, go check it out?

Anyways, quick recap for those that don't know, in the highlander universe some people are immortals. They can only die by having their heads cut off.

Sounds pretty simple right? What does this mean? For those unfamiliar with it, and unfamiliar with how such things often go in fiction, it's an excuse for most major plots to end in a sword fight. Sorry, correction, EPIC sword fight. Also if one immortal kills another he gets his 'power'. What this power is, not really made clear.

Is it their memories? Maybe, but they never really seem to get all that many of them. Uh, general, life, force....? Sure, possibly. Really it's just an excuse for the epic show version of a money shot (called a quickening in highlander verse) with lighting and sex faces and splosions and what not.

Oh also they are supposed to kill each other, because the last one left gets 'The Prize'. No one knows what the prize is, and new immortals keep getting born, so it isn't like there is only going to be one left any time soon, or ever. So people get to keep fighting to be the best forever!

Now not all of the TV series is all that good. (Season six sucks)

Not all of the movies are all that good. (the second movie especially)

At the end of the day there might actually be more bad highlander stuff then good highlander stuff.

That aside, the reason why Highlander is awesome is because the concept is perfect. Immortal people, cursed and blessed with power, with an excuse to fight each other epically, all backdroped against the world we know. It has everything you need for drama, adventure, comedy, ultra evil, and etc.

It's what all those comic book makers Japan, wished they made. The perfect melodramatic setting for machismo and swords, a generic yet unattainable drive to be 'the best'. If I was a Japanese comic maker, I would look at highlander and launch into an epic rage at not having come up with it. Then I'd steal the idea.

Did I mention the part where there are swordfights all the time?

Any idea that lets everything be settled by sword play is all right by me! As long as it's a fictional idea, I don't want trial by combat or dueling being brought back or anything. I'd be stabbed by swords way to often for me to be enjoying how cool it was.

People will often talk about better times. About more honest times. Or more epic times. They'll pontificate about the past, about knights and samurai. About Napoleonic wars and cool badass fights and codes of honor. The wild west and what not.

Not me. I like the time period I live in. There are lots of reasons. I mean the internet is great. Access to infinite amounts of stolen goods, fan fics, erotica, humorous videos about cats, humorous videos about how people only watch videos about cats, that one youtube clip of the guy kicking the baby to SF2 sound effects... I like fast food. Plastic. I enjoy video games. Comic books. Not dying of tuberculosis or small pox.

There are lots of reasons I don't want to go back to a simpler time. But the most important would be... toilet paper.

You wanna go on the crusades? Fine by me. But keep in mind, no TP.

China seemed to sorta get the idea around 1300 AD, but elsewhere? Well let's just take a look at the Wikipedia list...

Rich people: Wool, Lace, hemp.

Not so rich people: rags, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize, ferns, may apple plant husks, fruit skins, or seashells, and corn cobs.

In Rome, according to Wikipedia - "a sponge on a stick was commonly used, and, after usage, placed back in a bucket of saltwater."

That is horrifying. HORRIFYING.

So, yes, indoor plumbing is awesome. But the thing I would miss most were I sent hurtling through time, would be toilet paper.

Also, it's nice cause it doubles as tissues, paper towels, and a handy device to piss off you city mates with by covering their trees in it.

The stuff is magical.

Humanity has often wondered about others. From another dimension. From the depths of time. From Heaven. We have gazed up in awe at the potential before us in the vastness of the dark. We have gazed up and asked "Do they have three green boobs?"

The answer is "Highly unlikely you weird perverted human."

Will we cry when they don't have breasts?

When it comes to fiction as long as it's not a horror movie almost all aliens have two things in common. The women are proportional (roughly) to human beauty standards, and those same vaguely proportional women have breasts.

It's pretty silly, considering that the odds of any other being we encounter being a mammal or mammal like creature is insanely small. The fact that we have weird fat holes to squirt milk out of on our chests is pretty bizarre, and disgusting already. Even more than that, if by some miracle they ARE mammal like, complete with milk utters, I dunno if you've taken a look at most mammals on this planet from a sexual perspective, but I gotta say...

They are not the most attractive creatures. The bear? The house cat? The Rat? The Gorilla?

And those CLOSELY related to us! Oh sure there's a odd person here or there in love with the cow, and people can say cats are 'sexy' or foxes are 'sexy', but almost all artistic and fictional depictions of said creatures being sexy anthropomorphize them to fit our own standards of proportional breast heavy beauty.

Poor humanity, green busty women of the stars shall never be. A tear is shed for every would be Kirk. But not all is lost, if aliens exist one can still bang them all animal planet style. Just you're going to have to put up with some weird mandible twisty death jaw that bites chunks out of your solar plexus.

Prepare yourselves now space sex artists and fetishists. For the abominations of the skydepths await!

Let's talk about feminism.

By lets, I mean I'm going to type about feminism and after you skim through what I type you're free to make some kind of sexist, humorous, or non-sequitur comment. Perhaps all three at once. This will probably be a long one, so I suggest those that wish to do so skip to the end now...

Ahem. For those still with us, I would have to classify myself as 'radical' feminist. Not that I go around stabbing men in the mommy daddy sack to punish them for having been born male, no. It just means that I think the basic structure of the social system we have up needs to change for true equality to be reached.

My perspective stated, I will now delve into the title of this post.

"You have a vagina, you will do fine here at Newgrounds."

This was a response to a post of mine. Joking or not I have found it to be a common opinion. There seems to be an assumption that based on the gender box I checked during profile creation here at newgrounds I have some kind of unfair advantage.

I am a mass of floating text, flash animations, and pixel art. My identity to you consists of that, a handle, a male female designation, and a statement that I am 'a liver of life'.

All things considered my gender should have no bearing on anything, and this is most important because... you and I will never have consensual sex. It isn't going to happen. You might, Thor protect me, hunt me down and do very illegal things. This could indeed happen. But as long as we're in the realm outside of my worst nightmares and horror movies, no. We will never have sex.

On the internet I have had many handles. I have had female handles, male handles, and gender neutral handles. All three have given me drastically different experiences. When the name I use has no gender attached people get angry. They get offensive and standoffish. They refuse to talk to me and communicate with me as a human being. Gender to them is an important part of communication. They need to judge who I am so they know what to talk about.

I don't like being judged, or I don't like being judged on unimportant aspects. Such as what gender the floating wall of text is.

We're on the internet. I'm a floating wall of text! I could be an AI, or a panda. An awesome typing panda. With amazing panda powers. Such as the power to type. Which for a panda would be very impressive.

I have used male names. As someone using a male handle on the internet I have found, and of course this is only me - all of these things are only personal experience, that people found me funny, interesting, odd, and annoying. The strange thing was that I found as a whole the things I wrote would get read more. Not looked at more, READ more, then given serious, or not so serious, responses that show the reader was engaged in the material. Also sometimes I would be accused of being a woman because I don't make a bunch of porn or sex jokes very often, and also sometimes do other weird things I can't even remember that apparently 'all men do'.

Gay was also assumed often. I would never disagree with any assumptions by anyone.

Using a female handle much of the same was true. I was found to be funny, interesting, odd, and annoying. Also, a bitch. Oh, and 'emo'. Or and a drama queen. Also I found that allot of the things I wrote would not actually be read by people. Or just not engaged as often. Also things were more likely to be taken seriously. Considering I often have a dry sense of humor and the written word can make tone problematic, it as occasionally made things interesting. Also I would sometimes be accused of being a woman.

Or being gay. I would never disagree with any assumptions by anyone.

More curiously thought, is that when writing with a female name I often see things like this.

"You have a vagina, you will do fine here at Newgrounds."
"Wow. Are you really female? That's amazing."
"All these fags are just responding to get in your panzt."
"you're such a stereotypical girl in this community you're making my girlfriend dryheave."

When writing with a female name there has been this strange vibe. A vibe that somehow any success I have made was because of the female nature of my handle, and any further success would be because of it. Not only that, but any negativeness was somehow a discredit to womankind.

I do not flirt. You are unlikely to see me in a chatroom and watch as I type things like...

*hugs!* Hey~! haven't seen you in awhile? *sits in your lap*

That's freaken weird.

I generally don't make posts or comments that by themselves have any real gender bias. My post about becoming a prostitute was made because prostitute was the silliest and most commonly used word that summed up the general idea. (For those that want to go read about me being a prostitute, it's in the archives of this webnetthingambob. It's not very interesting. I made like 400 bucks though.)

Yet apparently having my name with a suggested hyphenated F in front of it makes all the difference. It changes the very nature of people's response. Incredulous ness that I can't be a woman. Insistence that being a woman means people will like me better. And assertions that as a woman I am not doing what a woman should.

It seems strange that I need to constantly be reminded that my profile says female. Even in a place like newgrounds where it is assumed most people are predominantly male. Though thanks to internet anonymity you might all be gals for all I know.

Really it seems like an effort, conscious or otherwise, to shame me for it. To remind me and never let me forget I'm apparently different. Or at very least not standard. A constraint dig to make sure I can't forget for a second what suggestion of a physical body my internet persona brings up.

I find it strange that using a male handle I have never had this happen. Ever.

Once again this is just my experience. I know plenty of men have been reminded their men or held accountable for their entire gender's actions.

Still though, I doubt anyone has shown amazement at the suggestion they were male, as if being male was some kind of miracle for which a holy power should be thanked.

What does any of this in itself have to do with feminism? I always thought the best quote about the nature of feminism was pretty simply just "Feminism is the radical notion that women are people." On the internet I rarely feel like a person. I often regret my choice of gender regardless of which I choose. Something people in the real world don't get the luxury of slipping between willy nilly.

So in a sense, this is all at the heart of why I am a radical feminist.

I went on in a verbose way. Thank you those that bothered reading it.

Also, nyaaah, I might be a guy, or a girl, or a panda, nyaaah nyaaah!

That is all.

For those that skipped to the end, it is now time to post your inane sexism for kicks. It's more fun than it sounds, try it!

Penis Envy... When you are envy of penis.

2010-02-03 20:08:21 by Emptygoddess

According to Freud, every little girl goes through a period of obsession with, and desire for, a penis.

Freud was a very smart man and not at all unstable or weird. Here's the quick breakdown of the stages of it, thanks to Wikipedia.

1. Soon after the libidinal shift to the penis, the child develops her first sexual impulses towards her mother.
2. The girl realizes that she is not physically equipped to have a heterosexual relationship with her mother, since she does not have a penis.
3. She desires a penis, and the power that it represents. This is described as penis envy. She sees the solution as obtaining her father's penis.

... there's more. But that's disturbing enough.

My favorite part is how, once the little girl realizes she has no penis, her only option is to take her fathers. A line of thinking that is rational, realistic, and not at all psychotic.

The only women I've ever known that wanted a penis were women who wanted to physically become men in some transgender like situation. On the other hand, I've known a whole lot of men who seemed to actively desire boobs. Why do they want boobs? Just to have. You know, to have.

I guess boobs seem fun?

The moral of the story is that Freud just needs to get over the fact that no one wants to screw his mom. Not even his mom. Who is dead now, and if she did want to screw herself that would make her a necrophiliac.

I find the world's obsession with the downfall of civilization to be fairly morbid and creepy.

I understand that as technology advances our ability to destroy this planet also increases. That doesn't seem to lesson or increase our desire for the world to end. People have been claiming the world was going to end for a very long time. Crazies like Nostradamus, that guy on the corner with the sign and the beard, your friend obsessed with the year 2012.

People are like 'oh I really want the world to end! YAY! Post apocalyptic future! ZOMBIE DOOM! Ooo blood gore. Really awesome biker gangs! YEAH! Bitchen! I'm gunna have a bat with nails in it. I'll call it the brain buster and I'll kill people on the road for their stuff! I'm gunna wear a gas mask! AND I'LL BE HUMANITIES LAST HOPE! And like totally have to find dry land and save us all!'

You are disturbing! That was a good movie though, so points for the refrence.

Even if it does happen and leave a 'cool post apocalyptic wasteland', I think people highly over estimate the dynamic and cool nature of this world.

Spiky armor with rusty bits. Cool. Weird makeshift vehicles are pretty cool. Return to a barter system and murderous gangs and rape at every corner... uh... cool ish... as long as I don't have to live there.

It's also unlikely that you'll be on an epic quest to save the last of human kind. It's more likely you'll be traveling across the wilderness looking for water, and you'll collapse and die because you can't find any, or the water you do find is tainted and deadly, then the bugs will eat you, and they will say a small prayer of thanks for your inefficient body that can't live without contaminated water for more than a few days. The bugs will craft a new and greater civilization from the food you provide them. A thriving metropolis of utopian proportions. Only to squander their seemingly infinite resources, and before they know it, be left with a hellish collapse into nothing, war and famine sending their culture into despair as they're left to wander the horrible wasteland.

What I want to know is where do all the people living in these nuclear wastelands, traveling from one paintbrush town to another, barely scrapping a living and having to fight to survive, find time to put on makeup and do their hair and clean their nails.

Most amazing is 'that girl' who manages this. She also has perfect skin, eyeliner, and nicer clothes then everyone else. At worst she gets a small dirt smudge on her cheek where a beauty mark traditionally is. She gets this after being thrown about by explosions and nearly raped and what not. (rape can also be eaten by some weird monster... or even just being lost in the waste for days.)

So yes, maybe the world will end and civilization will collapse. Just remember that it's unlikely everyone's outfits are going to be made by perfesional costume designers, and the hot girl is most likely not going to spend two hours on makeup even as she travels the nuclear dessert. She's probably going to be missing a few teeth and losing her hair from malnutrition.

She'll also probably knife you with a sharpened hairbrush and then steal that tube of toothpaste you have.

Now that's hot.

Dear internet:

Here are some things out of context, though the context really doesn't help, that I have said that in hindsight I really should not have said. Come with me down memory lane of grievous verbal errors.

This was said at a feminist party: "French may be the language of love, but German is the language of rape."

This I uttered at another party (non feminist): "Those columbine kids sure did the world a favor." - no context makes this okay.

It doesn't matter who the hell I said this to it's a horrible thing to say to anyone: "No one will ever love you for your personality, they will only ever love you for your body."

Said to a doctor who asked a very strange question: "well, I guess if I had to choose, I'd be AIDs."

At a job interview: "I'm not worried about the background check. The bodies are buried way to deep."

Later, during that same interview: "I'm also secretly a lizard." -I was repeating in my head not to mention anything about being a serial killer, apparently I forget that I'm a moron.

Spoken to a mother holding her infant child, the fifth child she has had in her life: "You know, sudden infant death syndrome gets more likely with every child you have." - hell I'm pretty sure that one isn't even true.

It is not a good idea to say during a psychological review: "I'm really freaken schizophrenic, I mean, look at this, I managed to conjure up a really dead on shrink's office." - luckily he laughed instead of having me committed.

At the airport: "If I swallowed the right substances I could probably turn myself into a living bomb."

To a crazy homeless man. "here, have one of my business cards." -this story does not have a happy ending.

To my loved ones: "I really don't feel like going to grandpa's funeral." - ouch.

To more of my loved ones: "You know, I don't think I like your kids." - it's been three years, and this one still comes up.

In a business meeting: "what our group really need to do is be more like Voltron."

At work: "Friday? I can have that done by Wednesday. Easy." -I don't work there anymore. these two things may be related.

To a friend: "If I was gay, I would not date you."

To the person driving the car: "LOOK OUT! INVISABLE WALL!!!"

When deciding between speaking, and being silent, I have found that for me silence is almost always the correct choice.

I lied.

There is no way looking at this post could earn you any money at all. The triple exclamation point should have been a dead giveaway. No one who uses more than one exclamation point is being honest, they hope the extra enthusiasm will hide their ruse.

Have a great day!!!

Not even god if he, she, or it (as I like to imagine god as some kind of really awesome blob creature with a big eye stock) could stand in my way. Anyone who dares appose me, I will beat with a stick made out of their own spine. How would I craft this stick? By ripping out their spine, and then beating them with it.

It's true that once their spine is removed the act of beating them is largely unnecessary but I'd be so freaken mad I'd have to give their slumped spineless forms a few good wacks.

If an army stands in my way I will spontaneously gain laser eyes, and then grow laser eyes all over my head, making me a walking death cannon turret of doom. If a T-rex attempts to eat me, I will become so fowl tasting that instead he offers me a ride to where I am going. Riding my dinosaur steed I will face every foe and every obstacle, knocking aside cars as if they were candy. Swallowing old ladies as if they were candy. Crushing orphanages as if they were candy!

If faced with a ninja horde chucking ninja hoard ninja throwing knives and junk, I would pluck the very stars from the sky as my own throwing weapon and toss stars made out of pure plasma at them. Sending their burned tattered remains back to the depths of mordor or whoever ninjas come from.

and if a little girl gets in my way I'll kick her in the shins and make her cry.

Nothing will stop me. For I want...



I honestly don't even remember what I was writing this about.

Never mind then. Continue with your lives. May the saturation of useless knowledge continue unabated in your internet travels.

Mega Man, super fighting robot... Or Ten year old with a gun?

2009-11-02 17:44:32 by Emptygoddess

We all know Mega Man. Or if you don't know Mega Man you should go out right now and buy one of the Mega Man collections, play them, decide which games in the series you like and which games you don't, go over to the capcom forums and get into flame wars about it.

But most of us know Mega Man. He is our friend! He is our savior! He is a super fighting robot who looks like he's ten or so. He's really cool. Or at least, I thought he was, until I realized just how bad a father his creator Dr. Light is. So he screwed up and now his old partner or whatever is trying to take over the world with his creations. What does he do? He gives his robot son thing battle armor and the ability to turn his hand into a gun.

Not really the best fathering move ever, but the world was in danger, so it can be over looked.

My issue? In-between horrible outbreaks of terror, it seems that Mega Man walks around in the armor all the time for the most part, and retains his ability to turn his hand into a gun. It should be noted that Dr. Light does seem to remove all the other abilities and weapons mega man gets between games, and yet lets him keep his gun hand.

I was young once, and I can tell you, if my hand could turn into a gun, there would be a lot of dead people in this world.

Parent: Go clean your room.

Me: Make me.

Parent: Look, clean up your room or you can't have friends over this weekend.

My gun hand: *BLAM*

Me: Well, that's one mess cleaned up.

My gun hand: *Cocks dramatically*

Sure Mega Man fights for everlasting peace and has a sense of unparalleled justice, but when your hand can turn into a laser canon at a thought, it doesn't take much for you to be staring at a smoking crater that is your sister after an argument over who gets to use the TV.

So I put the question to you, Dr. Light: Genius roboticist? Or Horrible parent?