How to kill a dragon? How to slay a mighty beast...
Does one bring armies, with guns and knives
who on his corpse they can feast?
Mortar shells and tanks,
rows of men smiling proud.
An invincible array of soldiers,
to cast the creature's death shroud.

But there is no honor in that.
The romance is gone,
the monster slain by numbers and math
and heroism exists only in song.
No, to slay a dragon, one must go alone,
one must march into the darkened cave
one must face the hell of teeth.
The Fire breath and crushing claws,
on its hands and on its feet.

A dragon must be faced by one,
a single person song unsung
if they perish in the lair
the tale will be but air
But to walk into the cave with sword held high
And to walk out of the cave holding the beast's bloody eye...

That is to walk from the cave a man.

Or a woman, or a small child or like an anthropomorphic cat that likes to wear shoes, or a brave toaster, or some kinda half dragon out to slay the evil of your kind, or whatever it was that went in there to fight a dragon.

The point is you gotta fight one alone, or at least make sure the story involves you claiming you were alone. Pay off anyone who helped or kill em later or whatever to shut them up.

Way more impressive. Major bragging rights.

Like, they'll call you dragon slayer: The slayer of dragons.

You'd be so cool.

There are some things I just don't think someone should ever say. They're just not smart and they really serve no purpose other than to be.... wrong statements that should not be said by anyone but nutters. Of course, you may disagree, you're free to, maybe you want to walk around saying these things all the time.

Go ahead, have fun.

"Ever wanted to see just how soft the soft spot on a baby's head really is?" - While not as bad as some things, and there are some situations and some groups of friends where discussion of baby head malleability might be kosher, in most places it simply isn't. Few things piss people off then a discussion of babies and ways to harm them. Talking about how you think you might be able to mold a young child's head like soft clay.

"Sometimes I dream of being a cockroach." - Unless you're discussing surviving a nuclear holocaust, this is not valid conversation fodder.

"Technically, everyone who has considered vampires sexy is a necrophiliac." - True or not, this can get you into a lot of trouble with a lot of different crowds. It may sound funny, but take a moment to look around, gauge who you're talking to before you say it. I've seen this one end engagements.

"I am the sackmaster!" - I don't know what this means, but it sounds gross and I don't approve, and I hope it is never said again. I doubt it involves being the greatest sack maker in the world. I doubt they mean sacks of flour either.

"You know, I've never lost at gay chicken." - If you don't realize why this is a bad idea then you have not thought about it properly. Best case scenario you're gay, and then you're just talking about what an awesome slut you are, never backing off. Otherwise, well, there's nothing wrong with being gay, or bisexual, but if you don't want people to question your sexuality, stay away from statements like this. Especially if they're true. If you've never lost at gay chicken, maybe the reason is you have an unfair advantage?

Remember, think before you speak, and speak before you act, and act before your enemies do or else they will end you.

I have a theory.

I am fairly sure it is not a new theory, as if it was entirely new that would make me dynamic, innovative, and cutting edge. I am and never will be any of these things, partially because I can't, and partially because they are scary.

Still, this theory, which I also don't even know if it really counts as a theory and not some kind of hypothesis, or stupid internet claim, is interesting to me. As this is the internet, I will assume what is interesting to me needs to be voiced in a public forum - this one!

The internet world is more 'real' then what is generally referred to as the real world. Which sounds ludicrously ignorant I know. Don't give up on me! I can tell the difference between fiction and reality most of the time. I'm aware that stuff on the internet is digital and not solid. That consequences for one's actions are fleeting if existent at all... well... sorta.

It's that last one there that makes me make the statement I have maked. We assume the internet is this place where you can say and do whatever you want without too many real world consequences. There are even tons of proposed names for the whole 'normal person' + 'internet' = 'assfacedclown'

It just seems to me, because there are no instant and dramatic consequences to a person emotionally or physically who is an assfacedclown online doesn't mean there aren't consequences. For example, in my daily life, off the internet, I probably interact with... let's see... piss off one guy on the road... one person at the shopping center when I take things out of their cart because I'm too lazy to ask where they got them... a few people here and there... some friends... let's go with twenty. I interact with and actually make any impression on twenty people.

With the power of the interwebs here, once I finish typing this, I'm going to assume about..... twenty... five... people will read this, and maybe think about what I said with my words and fingers. The scope of people in can effect if I use interconnection tools like books with people's faces on them, and - wait, why IS it called facebook? A face that's also a book sounds like a reference to the necronomicon! That is horrifying- other twitty like things.

Interesting, I say again. I find it interesting that in the fake digital world of bleeps and boops I can affect far more people. I am not famous, I do not teach, and I most certainly avoid molding minds whenever possible, but what I say and do on the internet not only finds a larger audience then my actions in real life, it is documented. Cemented in time to continue to effect things long after the moment I do them. It's almost like someone took a Polaroid of every time I did something stupid, or looked at porn, or ate a banana, and hung it up in the place I did that. A string of photos immortalizing every poor choice.

Sure, I can beat the old lady walking her dog right now, in her stupid purple hat that I hate and her stupid tiny dog that fosters inside me curdling rage beyond definition, and sure that would be quite real. But I'm not likely to do that. Yet if I saw someone put up a photo of themselves online in a similarly stupid hat, oh, I'd go to town. Like down town charlie brown.

Not that any of this really matters, the average person I know, that thinks being mean to other people on the internet in a direct attempt to enrage them is funny, seems emboldened by the idea. A few of them rushed right off to 'troll like I've never trolled before'.

In the end, I blame congress.

Or maybe the British parliament.

Perhaps even whatever the system in charge of china is called. I dub it 'Chinatowngoverment'.

I'm getting the hang of it. It's like typing wth two really big lumpy ingers. If i go real slow i can not make any big misteakes. it's alot of work to fix them. I wonder how primordial man, with only two giant pig likehoove hands to type with managed to survive.

Oh, ym pinky has come unstuck. Now it does the most work. It will probably quickly grow tired, as itis the lazyist of feingers. Never pulling the weight it should and complaining, complaining like a dead chimponk ghost of a live cihimpnk. chi chipdmo crap. Okay, i give up on that sentence.

life is dfrent with fingrs stcuk. It is mch harder to drink f rm a cup for one. For two it hurts when you try to pull your fingers apart. On the upside, handpupetts are hrder to do. this seems bad, but i do them alot and smtimes i think they're plottng against me. So now i am free of worry.

But not fear.

It's cool hw the glue ges all warm when your skin is bonding. that's totayl the feel of sience.

Loctite super glue. conrol extra time. I hgly, highly suggest this glue. Exept the bottle gets clogged easy. had to use a socketrnech thing, hatched rench? small like hexigon rinch, to get glue out and finger stick.

But now i am truly happy.

Join me.

It is the ppath toenlightment and bliss.

Unless you are alergic to Cyanaocrylate. Then it is the path to skin reactions and inflamation.

Huh... ;ooks like i might be slighty alergic.

good times.

Many people do crazy things when it comes to carbonated beverages. People get addicted, and drink so much they lose the ability to move because of chemical reactions and stuff. People talk about where in the country the best coca cola is, as if the flavor is different depending on where you go (I'm sorry, I can't taste it, you're all crazy). People will get into heated debates over the best soft drinks, people will refuse to go to restaurants that don't have their favorite diet whatever plus. People do insane things with soda.

I knew a guy who would shoot carbonated soda up his ass because he liked the fizz.

He was a freak.

I don't talk to him anymore.

People also, love the carination, the bubbles, that burn your tongue and hurt your mouth. Tinfoil, freezing, getting it straight from the tap. they fight and struggle to keep in those tiny bubbles. I have been threatened with death for leaving the cap off a 2 liter bottle.

But I have a secret, I left that lid off intentionally.

I want the soda flat. I want to be able to drink it's smooth flavor without being assaulted constantly by tiny bubbles that feel like their jabbing my tongue with spears. I want to let the taste simmer on my pallet, not simmer in my mouth like bacon on a skillet!

It's not so odd! It's a valid desire? Why in so many circles am I treated like a leaper?

"want a soda?"

"pop the top and leave it on the counter, I'll have it in awhile."

"it'll go flat."

"Yeah I know. I like it that way."

"You get the fuck out."

"Wait but-"

"Get the fuck out or I will cut you, bitch."

People need to relax. There are so many better things to cut a bitch over. Lost whore wages, voting incorrectly in the last presidential election, talking smack. Really it's not a big deal.

I like my women tall, my men husky, and my soda flat.

And I am proud of this!

mostly I want doctor pepper. Flat Doctor pepper is delicious. He clearly got his doctorate in FLAVOR.

I've been watching all of the Highlander TV show over on hulu. For those that don't know and are fans... um... it's all over on hulu, go check it out?

Anyways, quick recap for those that don't know, in the highlander universe some people are immortals. They can only die by having their heads cut off.

Sounds pretty simple right? What does this mean? For those unfamiliar with it, and unfamiliar with how such things often go in fiction, it's an excuse for most major plots to end in a sword fight. Sorry, correction, EPIC sword fight. Also if one immortal kills another he gets his 'power'. What this power is, not really made clear.

Is it their memories? Maybe, but they never really seem to get all that many of them. Uh, general, life, force....? Sure, possibly. Really it's just an excuse for the epic show version of a money shot (called a quickening in highlander verse) with lighting and sex faces and splosions and what not.

Oh also they are supposed to kill each other, because the last one left gets 'The Prize'. No one knows what the prize is, and new immortals keep getting born, so it isn't like there is only going to be one left any time soon, or ever. So people get to keep fighting to be the best forever!

Now not all of the TV series is all that good. (Season six sucks)

Not all of the movies are all that good. (the second movie especially)

At the end of the day there might actually be more bad highlander stuff then good highlander stuff.

That aside, the reason why Highlander is awesome is because the concept is perfect. Immortal people, cursed and blessed with power, with an excuse to fight each other epically, all backdroped against the world we know. It has everything you need for drama, adventure, comedy, ultra evil, and etc.

It's what all those comic book makers Japan, wished they made. The perfect melodramatic setting for machismo and swords, a generic yet unattainable drive to be 'the best'. If I was a Japanese comic maker, I would look at highlander and launch into an epic rage at not having come up with it. Then I'd steal the idea.

Did I mention the part where there are swordfights all the time?

Any idea that lets everything be settled by sword play is all right by me! As long as it's a fictional idea, I don't want trial by combat or dueling being brought back or anything. I'd be stabbed by swords way to often for me to be enjoying how cool it was.

People will often talk about better times. About more honest times. Or more epic times. They'll pontificate about the past, about knights and samurai. About Napoleonic wars and cool badass fights and codes of honor. The wild west and what not.

Not me. I like the time period I live in. There are lots of reasons. I mean the internet is great. Access to infinite amounts of stolen goods, fan fics, erotica, humorous videos about cats, humorous videos about how people only watch videos about cats, that one youtube clip of the guy kicking the baby to SF2 sound effects... I like fast food. Plastic. I enjoy video games. Comic books. Not dying of tuberculosis or small pox.

There are lots of reasons I don't want to go back to a simpler time. But the most important would be... toilet paper.

You wanna go on the crusades? Fine by me. But keep in mind, no TP.

China seemed to sorta get the idea around 1300 AD, but elsewhere? Well let's just take a look at the Wikipedia list...

Rich people: Wool, Lace, hemp.

Not so rich people: rags, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize, ferns, may apple plant husks, fruit skins, or seashells, and corn cobs.

In Rome, according to Wikipedia - "a sponge on a stick was commonly used, and, after usage, placed back in a bucket of saltwater."

That is horrifying. HORRIFYING.

So, yes, indoor plumbing is awesome. But the thing I would miss most were I sent hurtling through time, would be toilet paper.

Also, it's nice cause it doubles as tissues, paper towels, and a handy device to piss off you city mates with by covering their trees in it.

The stuff is magical.

Humanity has often wondered about others. From another dimension. From the depths of time. From Heaven. We have gazed up in awe at the potential before us in the vastness of the dark. We have gazed up and asked "Do they have three green boobs?"

The answer is "Highly unlikely you weird perverted human."

Will we cry when they don't have breasts?

When it comes to fiction as long as it's not a horror movie almost all aliens have two things in common. The women are proportional (roughly) to human beauty standards, and those same vaguely proportional women have breasts.

It's pretty silly, considering that the odds of any other being we encounter being a mammal or mammal like creature is insanely small. The fact that we have weird fat holes to squirt milk out of on our chests is pretty bizarre, and disgusting already. Even more than that, if by some miracle they ARE mammal like, complete with milk utters, I dunno if you've taken a look at most mammals on this planet from a sexual perspective, but I gotta say...

They are not the most attractive creatures. The bear? The house cat? The Rat? The Gorilla?

And those CLOSELY related to us! Oh sure there's a odd person here or there in love with the cow, and people can say cats are 'sexy' or foxes are 'sexy', but almost all artistic and fictional depictions of said creatures being sexy anthropomorphize them to fit our own standards of proportional breast heavy beauty.

Poor humanity, green busty women of the stars shall never be. A tear is shed for every would be Kirk. But not all is lost, if aliens exist one can still bang them all animal planet style. Just you're going to have to put up with some weird mandible twisty death jaw that bites chunks out of your solar plexus.

Prepare yourselves now space sex artists and fetishists. For the abominations of the skydepths await!

Let's talk about feminism.

By lets, I mean I'm going to type about feminism and after you skim through what I type you're free to make some kind of sexist, humorous, or non-sequitur comment. Perhaps all three at once. This will probably be a long one, so I suggest those that wish to do so skip to the end now...

Ahem. For those still with us, I would have to classify myself as 'radical' feminist. Not that I go around stabbing men in the mommy daddy sack to punish them for having been born male, no. It just means that I think the basic structure of the social system we have up needs to change for true equality to be reached.

My perspective stated, I will now delve into the title of this post.

"You have a vagina, you will do fine here at Newgrounds."

This was a response to a post of mine. Joking or not I have found it to be a common opinion. There seems to be an assumption that based on the gender box I checked during profile creation here at newgrounds I have some kind of unfair advantage.

I am a mass of floating text, flash animations, and pixel art. My identity to you consists of that, a handle, a male female designation, and a statement that I am 'a liver of life'.

All things considered my gender should have no bearing on anything, and this is most important because... you and I will never have consensual sex. It isn't going to happen. You might, Thor protect me, hunt me down and do very illegal things. This could indeed happen. But as long as we're in the realm outside of my worst nightmares and horror movies, no. We will never have sex.

On the internet I have had many handles. I have had female handles, male handles, and gender neutral handles. All three have given me drastically different experiences. When the name I use has no gender attached people get angry. They get offensive and standoffish. They refuse to talk to me and communicate with me as a human being. Gender to them is an important part of communication. They need to judge who I am so they know what to talk about.

I don't like being judged, or I don't like being judged on unimportant aspects. Such as what gender the floating wall of text is.

We're on the internet. I'm a floating wall of text! I could be an AI, or a panda. An awesome typing panda. With amazing panda powers. Such as the power to type. Which for a panda would be very impressive.

I have used male names. As someone using a male handle on the internet I have found, and of course this is only me - all of these things are only personal experience, that people found me funny, interesting, odd, and annoying. The strange thing was that I found as a whole the things I wrote would get read more. Not looked at more, READ more, then given serious, or not so serious, responses that show the reader was engaged in the material. Also sometimes I would be accused of being a woman because I don't make a bunch of porn or sex jokes very often, and also sometimes do other weird things I can't even remember that apparently 'all men do'.

Gay was also assumed often. I would never disagree with any assumptions by anyone.

Using a female handle much of the same was true. I was found to be funny, interesting, odd, and annoying. Also, a bitch. Oh, and 'emo'. Or and a drama queen. Also I found that allot of the things I wrote would not actually be read by people. Or just not engaged as often. Also things were more likely to be taken seriously. Considering I often have a dry sense of humor and the written word can make tone problematic, it as occasionally made things interesting. Also I would sometimes be accused of being a woman.

Or being gay. I would never disagree with any assumptions by anyone.

More curiously thought, is that when writing with a female name I often see things like this.

"You have a vagina, you will do fine here at Newgrounds."
"Wow. Are you really female? That's amazing."
"All these fags are just responding to get in your panzt."
"you're such a stereotypical girl in this community you're making my girlfriend dryheave."

When writing with a female name there has been this strange vibe. A vibe that somehow any success I have made was because of the female nature of my handle, and any further success would be because of it. Not only that, but any negativeness was somehow a discredit to womankind.

I do not flirt. You are unlikely to see me in a chatroom and watch as I type things like...

*hugs!* Hey~! haven't seen you in awhile? *sits in your lap*

That's freaken weird.

I generally don't make posts or comments that by themselves have any real gender bias. My post about becoming a prostitute was made because prostitute was the silliest and most commonly used word that summed up the general idea. (For those that want to go read about me being a prostitute, it's in the archives of this webnetthingambob. It's not very interesting. I made like 400 bucks though.)

Yet apparently having my name with a suggested hyphenated F in front of it makes all the difference. It changes the very nature of people's response. Incredulous ness that I can't be a woman. Insistence that being a woman means people will like me better. And assertions that as a woman I am not doing what a woman should.

It seems strange that I need to constantly be reminded that my profile says female. Even in a place like newgrounds where it is assumed most people are predominantly male. Though thanks to internet anonymity you might all be gals for all I know.

Really it seems like an effort, conscious or otherwise, to shame me for it. To remind me and never let me forget I'm apparently different. Or at very least not standard. A constraint dig to make sure I can't forget for a second what suggestion of a physical body my internet persona brings up.

I find it strange that using a male handle I have never had this happen. Ever.

Once again this is just my experience. I know plenty of men have been reminded their men or held accountable for their entire gender's actions.

Still though, I doubt anyone has shown amazement at the suggestion they were male, as if being male was some kind of miracle for which a holy power should be thanked.

What does any of this in itself have to do with feminism? I always thought the best quote about the nature of feminism was pretty simply just "Feminism is the radical notion that women are people." On the internet I rarely feel like a person. I often regret my choice of gender regardless of which I choose. Something people in the real world don't get the luxury of slipping between willy nilly.

So in a sense, this is all at the heart of why I am a radical feminist.

I went on in a verbose way. Thank you those that bothered reading it.

Also, nyaaah, I might be a guy, or a girl, or a panda, nyaaah nyaaah!

That is all.

For those that skipped to the end, it is now time to post your inane sexism for kicks. It's more fun than it sounds, try it!

According to Freud, every little girl goes through a period of obsession with, and desire for, a penis.

Freud was a very smart man and not at all unstable or weird. Here's the quick breakdown of the stages of it, thanks to Wikipedia.

1. Soon after the libidinal shift to the penis, the child develops her first sexual impulses towards her mother.
2. The girl realizes that she is not physically equipped to have a heterosexual relationship with her mother, since she does not have a penis.
3. She desires a penis, and the power that it represents. This is described as penis envy. She sees the solution as obtaining her father's penis.

... there's more. But that's disturbing enough.

My favorite part is how, once the little girl realizes she has no penis, her only option is to take her fathers. A line of thinking that is rational, realistic, and not at all psychotic.

The only women I've ever known that wanted a penis were women who wanted to physically become men in some transgender like situation. On the other hand, I've known a whole lot of men who seemed to actively desire boobs. Why do they want boobs? Just to have. You know, to have.

I guess boobs seem fun?

The moral of the story is that Freud just needs to get over the fact that no one wants to screw his mom. Not even his mom. Who is dead now, and if she did want to screw herself that would make her a necrophiliac.