...so here I am, in the country of Japan.

I'm in the future of course, for anyone that's worried on Friday the world has still not ended.

I went to the McDonalds here, mostly to see what it was like. I saw something that shocked me to my very core. Here, and apparently in Malaysia, they have a burger with four meat patties. They call it a mega mac.

It is decadence without cause, an example of human gluttony taken to near exotic proportions. It is on par with the burger that uses grilled cheese sandwiches for buns, or the KFC sandwich with chicken for bread. The pizza that's also a burger. It is no longer a meal, and becomes an ordeal.

I do not understand.

Why in a country known for its healthier eating habits and lifestyle from the US would they have something like this?

The burger is bigger than some people I have met here. If it came alive through the power of magical crazy burger magic, it could go on a killing rampage and begin eating humans. Nothing could stop it.

That said, it's not much more expensive then a normal big mac or a double quarter pounder, so if you desire that much meat it's a good deal.

I have not nor will I eat it, as I do not desire that much meat.

Also, I'm pretty sure the crows and ravens and things here in Japan are watching me.

Greetings people who read the random musing of a random person. I'm not sure why you do that, but it does make someone like me feel slightly more connected to total and ambient strangers! Also didactic.

Those of you who have read every single one of my newgrounds internet journal posts will remember that I posted some time ago I was looking for an action script programmer to help me finish a game, because the person I had been working with, flaked like he was made out of really old person skin from a really old person who never moisturized.

Update 1: I have not found a programmer.

Update 2: I hate all of them.

Update 3: I don't really, but I've had a disheartening run with them.

The first guy: worked with him for like six months, great guy, great artist, great programmer. Disappeared off the face of the earth after leaving me some IMs that read like 'hey, dude ; -; are you around?'

I really hope he didn't kill himself because I was busy buying energy drinks from 7-11 and had left my computer on and he needed someone to talk to and thought i was ignoring him. That would be horrible!

Second guy: Turned out he didn't actually know any more about flash programming then me. It took a month to realize this, because I am dumb.

Third guy: Turned out he was the second guy using a different internet name. Took me a month and a half this time. Because I am REALLY dumb.

Forth guy: Asked to be paid money, I was like 'sure, i will pay you money, I've been working on this game for like a year, i just want to finish it. Please. Let the nightmare end.' and he was like, HA HA! YEAH! LETS DO THIS!

A few weeks later he sent me an e-mail basically saying my game sucked, I sucked, and he didn't think anyone would play it. He was so despondent he wouldn't let me pay him for the time he HAD spent on it. I tried!

I cried myself to sleep that night.

Fifth guy: Turned out to be the second guy again. It only took me a week to realize this. I'm pretty sure he is the devil.

Sixth guy: Actually a girl. Technically still working with her... though she hasn't returned an e-mail for three weeks, so I'm going to assume that she is also the devil.

Seventh guy: Teacher at a collage that teaches a course on flash. I showed him the game demo and he was like 'Bazam. Crackalakin. This is awesome. Yeah, i can bust that out in like two, three days. Tops.' i was quite pleased.

After two months of 'I'll get to it tomorrow' he eventually sent me the inevitable 'i will never get to it e-mail. I do not hate him.

Eighth guy: No one yet, but I have a feeling it'll be the second guy again.

The ninth person might very well be me if I can ever get past that point in my AS programming skills where the little figure doesn't gyrate across the screen randomly like he's having an epileptic fit.

I took a flash programming class, and that's what I turned in for my final project 'epileptic gyrating 8-bit stick figure man'

I got a B.... minus. The teacher said the only reason he did not give me a worse grade was because how i would swear at my computer mid class when the program wasn't doing what I wanted amused him.

So, if anyone out there is a flash genius and not a flaky person, feel free to contact me.

If you're not a flash genius and/or are a flaky person, feel free to contact me just to mess with me. I don't actually want you to do this, but it is not like I can stop you. If this ordeal has shown me anything, it is that I have no power to generate any kind of respect, output, or work ethic from anyone.

All of you have a wonderful day! Remember, if you see a ninja, kill it just to stay safe. Every eighth ninja drops a full heal.

It's a horrifying idea.

Oh sure everyone wants to become an internet superstar for a few days over something cool. Eating a billion hotdogs, or catching a bullet with your teeth. That'd be sweetness. True golden sweetness. Like delicious golden apples, only instead of tasting like glory they spark a war that threatens to destroy not only all the great nations but the very pantheon of gods itself!

Like where you take a digital photo of yourself in your badass new goggles and send it to a friend, only to find out that over on some web forum you're now used in forum posts as an imagerial representation of loser. With phrases like 'internet superhero' thrown around, which sounds like a fun thing to be called, but you don't get any super powers, and you get made fun of!

If you got super powers at least you could laser eye those that mocked you. Or punch them at super speeds while their faces deform like they're in a centrifuge.

Or even worse, what if you pour your heart and soul into the creation of something? Only to find out that the reason you got six billion hits is because people think it's just so stupid they have to see it?

heh... okay that'd be pretty funny. Especially if you made like a youtube video where you were crying and begging people to stop making fun of you, and you got the snot boogers going on.

With the tears.

Still, no one wants to be that guy, or that girl. Well, some do I think. I don't. I don't want to be 'that person, who did the thing, with that fruit' which gets like a zillion hits and remixed a bunch. What I did with that fruit was private, who the hell was even filming me?

Scary world we live in. At any moment, your stupidity could make you famous, but not in a cool way.

I wonder if there's a phobia for that.

... d...vi... fear...of... interewebs...ness...y... netfameaphobia?

Sure. That works.

But apples do not like me.

One killed my mother.

Killed her just to send me a message.

The murder/rape/debasement of the very young is one of those things that some find hilarious, and others believe that if you do something like that, only the most horrible of fates awaits you.

Sometimes these people are the same people, as many find dead baby jokes funny while not finding dead babies funny at all.

Let's say a baby, small cute, with large eyes and red hair, is sitting next to the button that can destroy the world. It's trying to press it, in the stupid stupid drooly way babies do. All you have is a crossbow. Do you take the shot?! The world hangs in the balance!

If the baby is evil does that make it any easier? Maybe the baby built the doomsday device.

Also, if after killing a baby, if you save a really old persons' life does it kinda balance out? I mean sure they don't have all that potential and growth, but you kept all that experience and knowledge from being lost!

Maybe two old people equal one baby?

If the only ammunition for the crossbow you have while trying to stop the evil baby, is another baby, could you still take the shot?

The real question is where did you even get a modified crossbow that can fire live babies as ammunition. That's a bit strange.

These are the kind of deep philosophical questions that have no real answer. Yet we must always attempt to seek truth.

Good morning world of newgrounds!

We interrupt my long list of random pointless dribble and self centered and condescending rants to bring you something slightly serious. I need a flash programmer well versed in action script 2.

You see, back in the mists of time (six months or so) I started collaborating with someone on a flash game. This guy! http://moosh.newgrounds.com/ awesome guy, I think he might be dead now, or lazy. Not sure which. Maybe a coma, which is kind of like dead, but too lazy to actually commit to it.

Anyways, we worked hard on a flash game, got the design all done, did all the graphics, got some awesome music done for it. Tom was even nice enough to offer some advice and help and encouragement, because he's sweet and anyone who says he is not is a liar, even if his name does start with a T which is two strikes against him right off the bat.

So after all that, with the game almost finished, just one area to do and some bug issues the one guy who may be dead maybe died. Haven't seen him for months. I was sad for awhile, but now I'm just annoyed that despite my best efforts AS2 looks like gibberish to me.

So if there's anyone out there versed in it, that would want to go through the HELL of trying to work through someone else's code and help me finish an almost done game, do let me know. Drop me a PM, believe in yourself, that sort of thing.

Also the programmer was the artist for the not game graphics cut scene picture things, which is to bad he's gone cause he was amazing. So I'll need to find another one of them to, which will most likely prove impossible.

Despite these things, I shall keep on, not give up, and fight for the future of all human kind with a fist pump and a soda!

As it nears three thirty in the morning, it slowly dawns on me I probably should have put this in the help wanted forum I'm sure newgrounds has, too late! HA!

If none of that makes any sense I'm almost positive I never once approached anything resembling good grammar, so it makes sense I doesn't make sense.

Also, the game's an adventure game type top down deal done in the style of the classic game Adventure! for Atari, cause Atari is cool. Woooooo...

I'm going to sleep.

*posts*

Sometimes I wish I was a building.

I'd probably be a warehouse owned by some old guy, named Fredrick Connors. But all the kids in the area call him old man conners. He'd probably have a fishing company or something and want to run all the other fishing companies out of business. So he'd set up like projectors to make some cool ghost ship appear on the water and get a neat rubber pirate suit and scare everyone else away from the docks.

For a few glorious weeks while Old Man conners was scaring the hell out of fishermen I would be the most glorious warehouse ever!

Or haunted, I could totally do haunted.

Bleeding walls, whispering to people in their sleep, making people think they're seeing things that aren't real, unplugging the microwave to s crew up the little LSD screen. I don't think I could go through with it though, the whole killing or maiming someone. I'm more of a PG13 haunted house, couldn't do R.

Actually I might only be a PG haunted house. I'd have a cool cat familiar that's only got one eye and sits outside and stairs as people enter or leave. I would name him Floffle, but no one would know because houses can't talk. Maybe if I did the dream whisper thing loud enough hey could learn floffle's name?

Things to consider if I'm ever going to become a house.

How to kill a dragon? How to slay a mighty beast...
Does one bring armies, with guns and knives
who on his corpse they can feast?
Mortar shells and tanks,
rows of men smiling proud.
An invincible array of soldiers,
to cast the creature's death shroud.

But there is no honor in that.
The romance is gone,
the monster slain by numbers and math
and heroism exists only in song.
No, to slay a dragon, one must go alone,
one must march into the darkened cave
one must face the hell of teeth.
The Fire breath and crushing claws,
on its hands and on its feet.

A dragon must be faced by one,
a single person song unsung
if they perish in the lair
the tale will be but air
But to walk into the cave with sword held high
And to walk out of the cave holding the beast's bloody eye...

That is to walk from the cave a man.

Or a woman, or a small child or like an anthropomorphic cat that likes to wear shoes, or a brave toaster, or some kinda half dragon out to slay the evil of your kind, or whatever it was that went in there to fight a dragon.

The point is you gotta fight one alone, or at least make sure the story involves you claiming you were alone. Pay off anyone who helped or kill em later or whatever to shut them up.

Way more impressive. Major bragging rights.

Like, they'll call you dragon slayer: The slayer of dragons.

You'd be so cool.

There are some things I just don't think someone should ever say. They're just not smart and they really serve no purpose other than to be.... wrong statements that should not be said by anyone but nutters. Of course, you may disagree, you're free to, maybe you want to walk around saying these things all the time.

Go ahead, have fun.

"Ever wanted to see just how soft the soft spot on a baby's head really is?" - While not as bad as some things, and there are some situations and some groups of friends where discussion of baby head malleability might be kosher, in most places it simply isn't. Few things piss people off then a discussion of babies and ways to harm them. Talking about how you think you might be able to mold a young child's head like soft clay.

"Sometimes I dream of being a cockroach." - Unless you're discussing surviving a nuclear holocaust, this is not valid conversation fodder.

"Technically, everyone who has considered vampires sexy is a necrophiliac." - True or not, this can get you into a lot of trouble with a lot of different crowds. It may sound funny, but take a moment to look around, gauge who you're talking to before you say it. I've seen this one end engagements.

"I am the sackmaster!" - I don't know what this means, but it sounds gross and I don't approve, and I hope it is never said again. I doubt it involves being the greatest sack maker in the world. I doubt they mean sacks of flour either.

"You know, I've never lost at gay chicken." - If you don't realize why this is a bad idea then you have not thought about it properly. Best case scenario you're gay, and then you're just talking about what an awesome slut you are, never backing off. Otherwise, well, there's nothing wrong with being gay, or bisexual, but if you don't want people to question your sexuality, stay away from statements like this. Especially if they're true. If you've never lost at gay chicken, maybe the reason is you have an unfair advantage?

Remember, think before you speak, and speak before you act, and act before your enemies do or else they will end you.

I have a theory.

I am fairly sure it is not a new theory, as if it was entirely new that would make me dynamic, innovative, and cutting edge. I am and never will be any of these things, partially because I can't, and partially because they are scary.

Still, this theory, which I also don't even know if it really counts as a theory and not some kind of hypothesis, or stupid internet claim, is interesting to me. As this is the internet, I will assume what is interesting to me needs to be voiced in a public forum - this one!

The internet world is more 'real' then what is generally referred to as the real world. Which sounds ludicrously ignorant I know. Don't give up on me! I can tell the difference between fiction and reality most of the time. I'm aware that stuff on the internet is digital and not solid. That consequences for one's actions are fleeting if existent at all... well... sorta.

It's that last one there that makes me make the statement I have maked. We assume the internet is this place where you can say and do whatever you want without too many real world consequences. There are even tons of proposed names for the whole 'normal person' + 'internet' = 'assfacedclown'

It just seems to me, because there are no instant and dramatic consequences to a person emotionally or physically who is an assfacedclown online doesn't mean there aren't consequences. For example, in my daily life, off the internet, I probably interact with... let's see... piss off one guy on the road... one person at the shopping center when I take things out of their cart because I'm too lazy to ask where they got them... a few people here and there... some friends... let's go with twenty. I interact with and actually make any impression on twenty people.

With the power of the interwebs here, once I finish typing this, I'm going to assume about..... twenty... five... people will read this, and maybe think about what I said with my words and fingers. The scope of people in can effect if I use interconnection tools like books with people's faces on them, and - wait, why IS it called facebook? A face that's also a book sounds like a reference to the necronomicon! That is horrifying- other twitty like things.

Interesting, I say again. I find it interesting that in the fake digital world of bleeps and boops I can affect far more people. I am not famous, I do not teach, and I most certainly avoid molding minds whenever possible, but what I say and do on the internet not only finds a larger audience then my actions in real life, it is documented. Cemented in time to continue to effect things long after the moment I do them. It's almost like someone took a Polaroid of every time I did something stupid, or looked at porn, or ate a banana, and hung it up in the place I did that. A string of photos immortalizing every poor choice.

Sure, I can beat the old lady walking her dog right now, in her stupid purple hat that I hate and her stupid tiny dog that fosters inside me curdling rage beyond definition, and sure that would be quite real. But I'm not likely to do that. Yet if I saw someone put up a photo of themselves online in a similarly stupid hat, oh, I'd go to town. Like down town charlie brown.

Not that any of this really matters, the average person I know, that thinks being mean to other people on the internet in a direct attempt to enrage them is funny, seems emboldened by the idea. A few of them rushed right off to 'troll like I've never trolled before'.

In the end, I blame congress.

Or maybe the British parliament.

Perhaps even whatever the system in charge of china is called. I dub it 'Chinatowngoverment'.