humanity is going to be sad when it turns out aliens don't have breasts.

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Jilliums Hilliums @Emptygoddess

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humanity is going to be sad when it turns out aliens don't have breasts.

Posted by Emptygoddess - February 18th, 2010

Humanity has often wondered about others. From another dimension. From the depths of time. From Heaven. We have gazed up in awe at the potential before us in the vastness of the dark. We have gazed up and asked "Do they have three green boobs?"

The answer is "Highly unlikely you weird perverted human."

Will we cry when they don't have breasts?

When it comes to fiction as long as it's not a horror movie almost all aliens have two things in common. The women are proportional (roughly) to human beauty standards, and those same vaguely proportional women have breasts.

It's pretty silly, considering that the odds of any other being we encounter being a mammal or mammal like creature is insanely small. The fact that we have weird fat holes to squirt milk out of on our chests is pretty bizarre, and disgusting already. Even more than that, if by some miracle they ARE mammal like, complete with milk utters, I dunno if you've taken a look at most mammals on this planet from a sexual perspective, but I gotta say...

They are not the most attractive creatures. The bear? The house cat? The Rat? The Gorilla?

And those CLOSELY related to us! Oh sure there's a odd person here or there in love with the cow, and people can say cats are 'sexy' or foxes are 'sexy', but almost all artistic and fictional depictions of said creatures being sexy anthropomorphize them to fit our own standards of proportional breast heavy beauty.

Poor humanity, green busty women of the stars shall never be. A tear is shed for every would be Kirk. But not all is lost, if aliens exist one can still bang them all animal planet style. Just you're going to have to put up with some weird mandible twisty death jaw that bites chunks out of your solar plexus.

Prepare yourselves now space sex artists and fetishists. For the abominations of the skydepths await!

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SuperGenX 2010-02-18 15:54:03

Spock: Captine, we have recevied word that there are no alien women with boobs.
Kirk: Oh. Well head back to earth. Our mission is a failure.
SuperGenX: I TOLD YOU!!

Emptygoddess 2010-02-18 15:54:03

Why are you on the enterprise? How come I don't get to be on the enterprise?! WAAAH! I am jealous and angry!

Gianni 2010-02-18 15:55:29

Or Earth will destroy itself long before we even get to meet the boob-less aliens.

I mean, did you SEE the video game buttshot blog?
Case in point, DOWN THE DRAIN BEFORE WE EVEN CAME OUT OF THE FAUCET.

Anyway if I do live to see alien women I'm sure we'll find some way of giving them plastic surgery and insert some breasts SOMEWHERE.

(not looking forward to getting rejected by a whole new species)

Emptygoddess 2010-02-18 15:55:29

I can tell you that I hahve not seen the 'video game buttshot blog' and the name of it does not make me want to rush right out and find it.

SuperGenX 2010-02-18 15:59:22

Sorry to comment again, but just wondering, are you going to make anymore LOL's? My fav is Oh yes and spiders.

Emptygoddess 2010-02-18 15:59:22

Maybe? It's alot of work damnit.

AnonymousAwsomeness 2010-02-18 16:30:00

I LEIK MILK!!!

Emptygoddess 2010-02-18 16:30:00

Don't we all?

Except for us freaks out there who aren't mutants.

Jimtopia 2010-02-18 17:59:27

I love how this is an issue that needed to be addressed.

Emptygoddess 2010-02-18 17:59:27

It is of utmost importance.

cakeman16 2010-02-18 19:23:30

I think there are people out there like us cause if there needed to be life there would be teh same gasses and crap so why wouldnt we look the same. At least resembale same organs or something..

Emptygoddess 2010-02-18 19:23:30

Similar organs, maybe, but there are incredibly few animals on earth that look anything like people, and we've all come from very similar situations and evolutionary paths.

Does the food hole and the waste hole need to be seperate?

Sadly... no. *shudder*

fleurdelis 2010-02-18 19:32:19

I have read your other works and I must say...well done, well done indeed. Not only is the logic greatly present, but it also possesses a shard of satire. I congratulate you. If only all writings were like these then perhaps humanity might yet receive its graces.... Again I congratulate you, good work, bien tarea. es tres elegante a magnefique. Keep up the good work, you might hold a career in this yet...

Emptygoddess 2010-02-18 19:32:19

That was disturbingly complementary.

Naturally I assume you are sarcastic. Don't take it the wrong way, I just assume it.

Speedjunkie713 2010-02-18 21:21:24

you say people might be disappointed, but have you SEEN what is on the net? people have some strange fetishes and if they never had breast, im pretty sure some hermits out there would love the mandible/tentacle thingies they have. after they try it on we can laugh as they are eaten from the inside out hahahahaha

so now i pose a question: what do you think the first outer space species we encounter would look like? (if we ever do before we destroy ourselves in at least 62 ways that i can think off)

Emptygoddess 2010-02-18 21:21:24

Like aliens.

SuperGenX 2010-02-18 22:23:44

You were the one drving the enterprise! =3 (Sulu got sick)

Emptygoddess 2010-02-18 22:23:44

That would explain the crash. As i had no idea.

nicoslayer13 2010-02-19 00:10:59

PENISSESSS

Emptygoddess 2010-02-19 00:10:59

Very schoolyard of you.

Kajenx 2010-02-19 01:07:53

I stopped at "weird fat holes squirting milk" because it was the high point of my day and I wanted to preserve the rofls in my memory banks.

Emptygoddess 2010-02-19 01:07:53

A wise choice.

SilentJohn 2010-02-19 01:57:41

Aliens do have breasts! Just look at your grandmother!

Emptygoddess 2010-02-19 01:57:41

Zing!

SUPER-JOHN-DOE 2010-02-19 06:10:22

I agree.Imagine if the monster from 'PREDATOR' was felmale.THAT would be ugly ! Anyway we can always expect the unknown !

Emptygoddess 2010-02-19 06:10:22

I'd hit that.

SUPER-JOHN-DOE 2010-02-19 06:11:51

TO ''yt1DER ''

You sick son of a bitch,how dare you !

Emptygoddess 2010-02-19 06:11:51

yt1DER dares becuase he cares.

Ocere 2010-02-19 09:49:10

I've always been more of a personality guy anyways. My friends always said I'd screw a chair if it could carry on a conversation. Though honestly if I met a chair that could carry on a conversation I'd have to deeply consider the ramifications of doing anything other than running and a screaming in very shrill girl child voice.

Emptygoddess 2010-02-19 09:49:10

I'd capture it and use it to get rich.

BraveRabbits 2010-02-19 10:03:28

what? wookies females haven't breasts? all my erotic dreams are destroyed in cause of you! sigh! sigh!

Emptygoddess 2010-02-19 10:03:28

I apologies for destroying your grandest wish.

godyousuck 2010-02-19 12:49:13

Hah, I specifically thought this was funny in the game Mass Effect. Virtually screen worthy production values with the limitless frontier of full computer rendered actors. The Hanar were a good example of my point. But oh no, the girl aliens were still quite feminine, and shapely too. Lolz. Anywho, aliens don't even need to be recognizable as an animal shape period. As long as they have dexterous digits or limbs of some sort that have fine motor skills allowing them to manipulate tools, they could be spheres. Or puddles I dunno.

Emptygoddess 2010-02-19 12:49:13

A telekentic sphear! WITH A BILLION NOBBY NOBS!

Katelyn135 2010-02-20 22:12:53

Who's to say an alien species even have the concept of male and female. They could be a unigendered species, or even tri-gendered.

Emptygoddess 2010-02-20 22:12:53

Octogendered!

Mike-Hedgedog 2010-02-21 14:44:30

What if there is another gender out there that we know nothing of.

Emptygoddess 2010-02-21 14:44:30

Everyone but you knows of them just fine.

Mike-Hedgedog 2010-02-21 16:13:12

O rly?

Emptygoddess 2010-02-21 16:13:12

Orly has nothing to do with it. Don't bring him into this.

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