Contact Info / Websites

The Perfect Animal.

2012-02-08 00:40:25 by Emptygoddess

To craft the perfect animal, one must first look at examples. There is the platypus, widely judged as a whole hearted failure on the ground floor of creation. Then there is the narwhal, widely considered amazing by most sentient life. Everything else lies somewhere in between...

Now if we're building a perfect animal, first we must start with the head of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. If you have to ask why, then you do not belong in this conversation. It should be given fur, because many furry things are scary, and fur is soft and awesome. So it could be both cuddly and ferocious.

It would have like thirteen legs. Maybe sixteen. Or two. Six... six legs. One for each day of the week. And a tail, for Tuesday. Which in most calendars used by civilized men and women, is not a true day of the week but a strange abnormally kinda time warp weird point. The tail would have a stinger. For stinging.

It would need the bravery of a thousand noble dogs, and sixteen lions. Its heart would be a hole, from which no feelings of joy or remorse could escape. It would have only the uncaring unfeeling dedication to its goals. A perfect beast ready to do its owner's bidding. Also, it would have the cunning of Alexander the great, and the brain of Abraham Lincoln.

For eyes, it would have.... violet ones. The middle bit would be all like.... plushy. But tough underneath the plush, kevlar plushy!

It would be capable of sonic attacks, fire breath attacks, candy beams (beam of candy), and it would have a compartment for storing things in. It would only need to eat the spleens of my foes, and would three times a year lay an egg of pure gold.

Also, its name would be Zantar! Defender of the realm of truth!

It would be my best friend.


You must be logged in to comment on this post.


2012-02-08 00:50:51

I find myself gazing upon my dog, shouting at him for all of his shortcomings that I have only just now realized.

This whole story also works great as a really long pick-up line.

Emptygoddess responds:

You will get all the girls and the boys with that one.


2012-02-08 00:56:43


Emptygoddess responds:



2012-02-08 01:37:04


Emptygoddess responds:

You can't prove that.


2012-02-08 03:08:23


Emptygoddess responds:



2012-02-08 13:22:37

And here I thought you were gonna comment on the new design. Silly me....

Emptygoddess responds:

Why would I do that?


2012-02-09 21:57:10

Sometimes I wonder what the world looks like through your eyes. Must be amazing.

Emptygoddess responds:

It's allright.


2012-02-13 20:19:51

I wanted to ask if you are thinking about continuing the legend of link series. It's a pretty awesome series, and I really believe you should continue it. I guess you don't have to if you don't want to, but I'd appreciate it.

Emptygoddess responds:

It is a lot of work. And i am very lazy.