I love comics. I love sequential art. If I could write comics for a living I would. I've tried, I have been told by a lot of form letters that I should keep trying though! So yes, I love comics. this does not however stop comics from being stupid. Very, very stupid.
They're horribly stupid. Mind numbingly, skin crawlingly, stupid. It's painful. It physically hurts. They get away with things that you'd look at a retarded five year old and scold them for even considering it decent storytelling.
People often complain about the constant resurrections. Resurrections? Back from the dead? That is the LEAST LAME thing in comics. You think you know what bad writing is? I'll show you bad writing.
Lets go over some of my favorite examples of comics and the brilliant plots they come up with.
Detective #328: A batman story. In this issue Alfred, his loyal and very alfredy man servant is killed by a falling boulder (the fate of all man servents). He pushed batman and robin out of the way and was crushed. Poor Alfred. A few issues later, somewhere in the 340's, 350's, I forget exactly when I don't have it on me. Alfred was revived by some scientist. But the attempt at bringing him back was um...... ALFRED BECAME A VILLAIN KNOWN AS THE OUTSIDER! With telekinesis!
By the end of the plotline Alfred was reverted back with no memory at all about what he had done.
While we're on the topic of batman, anyone who remembers bat mite knows just how stupid comics can be.
Lets see... batman stupidity... batman stupidity....
Ever heard of the villain known as CALENDAR MAN? A villain so stupid, so lame, that even batman fans consider him lame. And these are a group of people who think a guy who uses umbrellas, a guy who laughs alot, and a guy who asks questions, are good villains.
Calendar man, is a villain obsessed with calendars. and dates. Once he dressed up as Odin and shot a laser from his eye. Which would be cool, if he had a different name and didn't think committing crimes based on days of the week was a good idea.
Oh batman also was once unable to hit the penguins goons because they had air-conditioned suits. That shot out puffs of air that pushed his fist away whenever he tried.
On the marvel side of things...
The dark phoenix Saga: Widely considered a classic of comic storytelling. This was a long running plot through the x-men comics. Sometimes it's split up into two separate 'sagas' but for my purpose I'll run you through the whole thing.
Originally the phoenix, was not a separate entity, she simply WAS jean, at the peak of her power. From like comic rays in space she was momentarily all badasstastic and shiny. A BEING OF PURE THOUGHT! Then was the phoenix. She put away her powers to stay safe, mental blocks and stuff.
Then she was mind controlled by the white queen and mastermind. Making her believe she was living some past life. She joined the hellfire club. The x-men came to her rescue, got captured, and Cyclops (jean gray's true love) fought mastermind in a duel of the psychicness. Cyclops lost, and jean went all like....... dark phoenix.
She beat up the x-men, and created a hole in space and went to a distant galaxy and exploded a star. Killing BILLIONS. (not humans though. so it was okay) She gets attacked by aliens, she kills them, and everyone decides she's even more dangerous then galctus. Because apparently the dark phoenix could snuff out the universe.
Beast designs a device that can neutralize phoenix's power, because like, only beast, a genius blue guy on earth could do this. Not any of the space fairing super scientists fighting the phoenix out in space with their advanced technology (that would be crazy. HUMANS RULE!)
So the dark phoenix returns to earth, and is beaten up by her old friends. She came back to earth so this could happen. And Xavier, being the nice guy he is, helps her return to being not evil jean using his powerful mind whammies.
Then the aliens come and are like 'um... dark phoenix gotta die.' and the x-men are like 'die? come on. she just killed billions of people. who here hasn't done that at one time or another?' but the aliens would hear none of this and eventually everyone had a kung fu fight on the moon.
So then during the fight, everyone is all killed and stuff, and jean, goes all angry and goes phoenix again. You know, proving the aliens right. Then the aliens are like PLAN OMEGA. which involes destroying the solar system. which is crazy, I mean, come on, humans live in that solar system.
So the x-men, who I thought were dead but I guess were just sleeping, get ordered to attack the phoenix. Apparently fighting makes jean feel more like jean and she reverts to not crazy jean. Then she kills herself with a disintegration beam.
Later Cyclops decides that she must have been planning this sense they set foot on the moon. What with how common suicide on the moon was.
This wasn't the end though, oh no. oh my friends. There's more. I won't bore you with to many details, but lets just say that jean grey was actually on the bottom of the Jamaican bay, and the jean that had just committed suicide was a clone of evil superness. I think some kind of... metaphor is in there somewhere. For the fragility of life.
Admittedly, that's nothing compared to some of the brilliant gems Japan has given us.
The long running fan favorite, greatly love series one piece. Oh what a glorious time it is traveling the world as pirates, having adventures and super powers. That's pretty much the comic, pirates with super powers out on the ocean. People just love this comic.
But... where do they get these super powers? Why? many different locations and things? Lots of different wants? mutations? born with them? training?
Oh no, no, see, they get these super powers by eating a piece of devil fruit. If you eat it you gain a super power. Also, you gain the weakness of water.
That's right folks, it's a series set on the ocean where a random fruit gives you random super owners AND takes away your ability to swim. How great is that?
Other great comics everyone who loves to bash their heads against walls should read include...
The clone saga: Spiderman run, generally considered to have never happened in the marvel universe now. Has some fun stuff. it also has a skeleton inside a chimney stack with a Spiderman outfit.
The dark knight triumphs: The sequel to the dark knight returns, one of the better graphic novels ever written. This sequel is um.... go read it yourself. See what you think.
Dragon Ball: Turns out he's an alien.
Comics are stupid. Even alot of the best written stuff just has moments of pure laziness. Where it's okay to just do something that makes no sense. Why? because comic writers assume that comic readers don't care. Or will accept it.
We will. I mean, I'm being nice and just picking on the mainstream stuff. You should see some of the indy crap that gets critically acclaimed. XD It makes some of this look logical.
So go. Read comics. Enjoy comics. Love comics. And if you ever get a chance to write comics, just spend five minutes, and think it through. Does it make sense? Is it stupid? Do you feel bad now that you have realized how stupid it was?
Good.
Also, gritty, be careful of gritty. Just because someone kills someone that doesn't make your story 'gritty'. Gritty was big in the 80's, do you want to be like the 80's? Think about it.
And remember, all heroes can dodge as many bullets as the world has, but dart guns always find their mark! (because writers can't ever figure out good ways to knock heroes out.) Thus making the dart gun, the most powerful weapon! With knock out gas and electricity coming in second and third.
Personally I think calander man should be the villian of the next batman movie. If Christopher Nolan has any guts at all. DO IT! BE A MAN!
Love ya all.
bubye now.
JonBro
comics (kah-mix) n. juxtaposed pictorial and other images in deliberate sequence
Emptygoddess
And I thought comics were always like that thing... that's on the side of streets. Yaknow... that water comes out of? You get a ticket if you park in front of them?
Yaknow. hospitals.